The Bastard: An Update

In the end, it was being with other people that helped.

Not that they knew.

Why should they? Why should I burden strangers with the knowledge.

I had worried about being so far away when Mum heard but now her treatment is decided. The colorectal cancer is in a place where the only solution is radical resectioning and the creation of a permanent stoma.

She hasn’t had a chance to ask more detailed questions. But will when she sees the Consultant on Tuesday.

There may be chemotherapy after the surgery. She knows that much. And we sat – after a relaxed and lovely lunch today – and thought about what else she needs to ask – about what she needs or wants to know.

My Mother is inspiring. The clear-sighted determination with which she approaches this. The calm insight.

I, on the other hand, have been a disgrace. A weltering bubbling mess of howling anger and pain and fear barely held back and threatening – at grossly insignificant and banal moments – to overwhelm.

I am become a small sobbing and frightened child again. Lost. Calling for a mother I fear is gone.

I need to get a grip.

My Mother – like her old Grandpa all those years ago – maybe as many as 100 years ago in fact – will survive. Will continue. Will endure.

She’s going nowhere. None of us are letting her go.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Bastard: An Update

  1. I have found it helpful to concentrate on the mechanics of the treatment; breaks things down into chunks. I hope she’s doing well and can avoid chemo.

    • Thanks – she’s doing really well mentally so far – and I’ve noticed that she’s doing exactly what you recommend i.e. chunking it up and only thinking about one step of the treatment at a time. Physically she’s not even aware she’s got the cancer – in a way that makes it harder to believe the diagnosis. She’s scheduled for the big op first week April and they’ll know how much chemo she’ll need when they get a better picture of the vascular invasion. Just hoping there’s no lymphatic involvement.

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