Tired Today

I’m tired today.

You spend your time defending, you get to see folk right up close. Folk in extremis. That does something to your perception of ‘the human condition’.

Though if you’ve even just a thimble of insight it magnifies your own tendency to self-examination and regulation. Which at least has the merit of sounding as though it might be a good thing. (But which, in reality, can be a screwy, fuckwit thing which jumps all over your big fat paranoia and neuroticism nerve – paralysing with a series of ‘what ifs’ and ‘why fors’…)

At least this means you’re not exercising your (entirely controllable but thoroughly unpleasant and self-defeating) desire to thump or to scream some ‘home truths’ at the unfortunate who’s pulled you as the short straw in that great game of  defender short-straw-ness.

It’s all relative. One person’s ‘walk in the park’ or ‘grit teeth and soldier on’ is another’s personal tragedy or Rubicon.

Oh dear…

I love you. I really do. And I care. I do. I really do.

I honestly do get it that your neighbour dispute, about that leylandii that’s blocking the light to your hall landing, is keeping you awake at night and thus leading to a dip in your work performance. And that your boss’s reaction to this dip proves that they are the blind, insensitive, bullying, fucking animal you always thought they were – a right nasty whose sole – and I mean SOLE – purpose in life is to make your life so abjectly miserable that you cannot survive without at least 5 months and 30 days’ sickness absence. I get it that you’re outraged that you are forced to attend absence monitoring meetings. I understand that you’re insulted by their questions and haunted by this suspicion that they don’t believe that your illness wasn’t feigned or that it had sweet fa to do with the fact that your competency was under review and you’d missed several deadlines (go on, admit it, that’s what you thought when Wilma from accounting was off for 6 months just after she’d ballsed up the budget for that 2.3 million IT project…). In any case, I appreciate that it’s difficult to juggle the competing needs of your several dogs and your husband’s IBS and that you’re pissed off with your colleague for having 4 maternity leaves in the space of 6 years and that your pay is a real demotivator.

I’ve felt your pain. Honest.

I know you’re struggling. That sometimes life is hard. That there are occasions you’ll need to moan or cry. And that I’m just conveniently in situ.

You’ve bills to pay. You’re unfulfilled. And stuck in that dis-empowering cycle of needing work to earn cash to pay those bills. Or you’re trapped in a conflict and blind to all but your own perceptions and feelings. Unable to comprehend that there might be another way of looking at things… ‘stuck in an uncomfortable rut’ you’ve said before. ‘Trapped’ you’ve mourned.

But if the rut is hurting you, you get out. If it’s a trap, you find a way to break free.

Which is why I’ll ask you whether this is really the job for you. If there isn’t something you’d rather do. Have you considered reducing your hours for instance – or re-training? I’ll challenge your perceptions about your boss – just how many deadlines or targets did you miss? was your boss perhaps entitled to expect you to meet them? what makes you think their request for your paperwork was unreasonable? are they perhaps under pressure or struggling with a kid who’s just been charged by the police or an elderly parent who’s on their way out? I’ll ask what you want from the grievance you’re about to lodge. I’ll explain the law in relation to continuing your long-term absence and the lawful ways in which this can lead to your dismissal (and agree that the processes are dehumanising and shit). Or I’ll advise on the legal impact of that word reasonable in ‘reasonable adjustments’ (basically = not carte blanche for you to get the say so not to do your job at all).

Sometimes I’ll ask you to describe the responsibility you believe you bear for a conflict you’re party to – and often you’ll be angry with me for suggesting you bear any responsibility at all. (though your decision to shout at me during the hearing into accusations that you’d shouted at several colleagues – wasn’t brilliantly wise. Of course, I do understand you’re horribly stressed).

I’ve made too many mistakes of my own to judge too harshly. Believe me (and if I could apologise for them all I’d be here til my cremation).

Which is why I want to tell you that life is short. That you are in control. That you shoudn’t sweat the small things or make mountains out of mole hills or aim to hurt other people the way you think they’ve hurt you. That perspective is all. And the law is no panacea.

But I’m sure you’d complain and I’d be sacked.

And I can’t have that as I have bills to pay…

So, on and around we go. On and around.

Which is why, when all is said and done, I’m tired today.

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2 thoughts on “Tired Today

  1. Ugh.

    I think that the F-word and his family are the first people who really illustrated to me the obvious fact everybody has different abilities to tolerate the world, and that those abilities, when they fall spectacularly short (snorting meth until your lungs collapse, family violence, general self-defeating “I suck so why even try when there are bongs to be hit/I can drink beer on the couch” decisions over work and education) are usually based on what they weren’t taught when they were young, and on the support they weren’t given when they were young.

    Since the F-word’s family are from Australia, they were all comfortable home-owning types while they were fucking each other and their children up, but a lot of them are serious Jeremy Kyle material nonetheless and it is amazing how comfortable it was for me to think that all-overwhelming-head-static-that-makes-reality-impenetrable-and-behaviour-revolting was some sort of (barely) working class phenomenon.

    Nope. It’s all over the place. It’s just middle class people are both better at rationalizing it and better at blending it in to our general societal head-static because their (our, in my case) bullshit is the aspirational norm.

    I hope you’re getting at least a little action that is making you glow at work.

    • Yip. It’s all over the place. Everywhere. And my head’s been as full of the bullshit as anyone I’ve ever met – sometimes more so.
      Work? There’s a lot of good folk who need someone’s help to negotiate inequalities and injustice – and I get to do that. And I’ll never let them down – not intentionally anyway.
      It’s just sometimes it gets me down…
      I’m not glowing just now – for anything.
      But that’ll pass.
      I’ve a plan I’m working on. It’ll all come good.

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