There are times when I really do question my sanity.
I opened the white envelope, stamped with my employers insignia last Friday morning, dreading the contents.
It contained an invite to an interview for a promoted post and I have been anxious since reading it. Who would ever have guessed that such an ostensibly positive communication would bring with it such mental paralysis.
Oh, I can write this post. But can I bend my mind to legislation and policy and management theory and model answers? Seems not.
I feel that I don’t know very much with any great certainty at the moment, but I do know enough to understand that I am not yet sufficiently well enough to put myself through the ordeal of an interview. And so, I have resolved to withdraw my application.
Irrational? Yes. But also, strangely, rational. Because working too hard, just pushing myself onwards, blindly, without any thought as to where it was taking me or whether I really wanted to go there – all that activity for activity’s sake – is why I am currently at home licking psychic wounds and feeling like a poor excuse for a human being…
Oh, I will get back to work soon enough. I understand that all things pass.
But this meltdown has changed me in fundamental ways. I am learning. Making the necessary connections which will ensure I don’t go through this again . Understanding just what is important to me. So, it is a different me who will return. And when I next apply for that promoted post it will be a new, improved me who will apply… it remains to be seen whether or not that new me will be what the firm want. Though I do know this much – the new me will be there to stay, will not be bending with the wind, will not be shape-shifting to fit the mould…