It’s been a very intense couple of weeks for me. Consuming energy and attention. Causing pain. And reflection.
From home to work; to children, parents, friends…there’s not a corner left untouched by some change. Turns out I’m no multi-tasker when it comes to multiple change on multiple fronts.
There seems to be a pause in the proceedings. A lull. Or maybe it’s just that I have reoriented myself and can now deal with all that’s happened.
Maybe now I am beginning the learning.
That is what’s meant to happen, isn’t it? Apres la deluge comes renewal?
Last week I was despairing.
Now? Well, I say ‘bring it on’. Nothing worse than simply drifting through life. In fact I think what I did most of the time was life lived as somnambulism. I’d curiously immunised myself against feeling or acting. Supreme arrogance to think I could inoculate me from life!
There’s nowt wrong with self-protection of course. We all need a healthy dose of common sense and caution. But self-protection which prevents us from experiencing and living and from even just the opportunity of emotion (happiness or sadness)- that’s destructive.
I know I am alive when I still feel. And when that galvanises me to act.
You can’t wipe out the past. Take back words said. Change the diagnosis of a friend. Fix what is beyond your ‘fixing’. I can’t help my daughter until she realises she needs help. I can’t heal my father or mother. Nor love where there is no love. I can’t do any of that. But I can make sure that I don’t squander time – that my vision is clear, uncluttered, as free as it can be of those things which shouldn’t matter to me.