another lesson learned

It’s been a very intense couple of weeks for me. Consuming energy and attention. Causing pain. And reflection.

From home to work; to children, parents, friends…there’s not a corner left untouched by some change. Turns out I’m no multi-tasker when it comes to multiple change on multiple fronts.
There seems to be a pause in the proceedings. A lull. Or maybe it’s just that I have reoriented myself and can now deal with all that’s happened.

Maybe now I am beginning the learning.
That is what’s meant to happen, isn’t it? Apres la deluge comes renewal?
Last week I was despairing.
Now? Well, I say ‘bring it on’. Nothing worse than simply drifting through life. In fact I think what I did most of the time was life lived as somnambulism. I’d curiously immunised myself against feeling or acting. Supreme arrogance to think I could inoculate me from life!
There’s nowt wrong with self-protection of course. We all need a healthy dose of common sense and caution. But self-protection which prevents us from experiencing and living and from even just the opportunity of emotion (happiness or sadness)- that’s destructive.
I know I am alive when I still feel. And when that galvanises me to act.
You can’t wipe out the past. Take back words said. Change the diagnosis of a friend. Fix what is beyond your ‘fixing’. I can’t help my daughter until she realises she needs help. I can’t heal my father or mother. Nor love where there is no love. I can’t do any of that. But I can make sure that I don’t squander time – that my vision is clear, uncluttered, as free as it can be of those things which shouldn’t matter to me.
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One thought on “another lesson learned

  1. You've done a lot of realising and it sounds as though you've had a rough time coming to terms with reality. You are not alone. None of us can wipe out the past. None of us can take back words said. And trying to help those who won't be helped is a frustrating and, ultimately, fruitless pastime.

    If you can make sure that you don't squander time and live life on the basis that every minute is precious to you then you will have achieved something very very few people achieve. But you are further than most people already – you realise!

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