It was one of those days when the truth winds you. Like a door being opened into a room you feared existed. Or a too strong light illuminating all the dark corners just too starkly.

Heiddeger, Nietszsche, Kierkegaard…I should know better than to imagine that the comfort of ‘everydayness’ is ‘real’. Real is rememberance of mortality – that should focus the mind and action.

So, today I saw – full on – the horror of just how inconsequential my working life was. In fact, my life was.

My friend has just asked himself what it is he wants most.

His changed-ness opened a door. It forced me to confront the nothing-ness of what it is I ‘do’ or ‘am’ – and forced me to face the question: what do I want most?

And as a result today has stunk of my fear and distress.

My life is not what I thought it would be… If I thought at all of the future – when I set about making it through my present – it was of contentment, peace, love. It was of contribution. Doing something of worth. I didn’t countenance unhappiness and un-ease…

I need to start again…

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